Byron Brown’s exercise of “Tell me a way I should be for three minutes and tell me a way I should not be for three minutes” is powerful for clients because it brings the inner critic—the internalized voice of judgment—into clear focus. This exercise works on multiple levels to promote self-awareness, uncover subconscious patterns, and encourage liberation from self-imposed constraints. Here’s why it resonates so deeply:
1. Exposing the Inner Critic
The exercise externalizes the often unconscious, automatic stream of self-judgment. Hearing these “should” and “should not” statements out loud brings clarity to the specific demands and restrictions imposed by the inner critic. This awareness is the first step toward dismantling its power.
2. Highlighting Duality
By alternating between “should” and “should not” statements, clients confront the conflicting and often contradictory nature of their inner critic. For example, they might hear statements like “You should always be productive” and “You should not relax so much.” This reveals how the inner critic creates impossible standards, making it easier for clients to question and challenge these judgments.
3. Breaking the Cycle of Shame
The exercise forces clients to recognize how these internalized rules perpetuate feelings of shame and inadequacy. Hearing the absurdity or harshness of the critic’s demands in a structured way can evoke compassion for themselves and reduce the emotional grip of self-criticism.
4. Promoting Emotional Release
Speaking out these judgments can lead to emotional breakthroughs. Many clients feel a surge of frustration, sadness, or even humor as they realize how much energy they’ve spent adhering to these internalized “rules.” This emotional release can be both cathartic and healing.
5. Facilitating Self-Compassion
Once clients see the critical voice for what it is—a learned, often irrational mechanism—they are better able to separate it from their true self. This opens the door to self-compassion and a gentler way of relating to themselves.
6. Empowering Clients to Reclaim Authority
By articulating these “should” and “should not” statements, clients gain the opportunity to reclaim their sense of agency. They can begin to consciously choose which beliefs serve their growth and which ones to let go of, rather than unconsciously obeying the dictates of the inner critic.
This simple but profound exercise shifts clients from being dominated by their inner critic to becoming active observers of it. It paves the way for greater freedom, self-acceptance, and personal transformation—a core tenet of Byron Brown’s work in Soul Without Shame.
Adding the prompts “Tell me a way I want to be” and “Tell me a way I don’t want to be” builds on Byron Brown’s exercise in a transformative way because it shifts the focus from the oppressive voice of the inner critic to the client’s deeper, authentic self. This addition not only complements the original exercise but also opens a space for exploration of personal values, desires, and identity. Here’s why it’s so powerful for clients:
1. Connecting to Authenticity
The original exercise helps clients identify the “shoulds” imposed by their inner critic, which are often externalized societal, familial, or cultural expectations. By introducing “I want to be,” clients are encouraged to step into their true desires, motivations, and aspirations. This shift creates a contrast between the critic’s demands and their authentic self-expression.
2. Claiming Ownership Over Identity
The inner critic often dictates how a person “should” or “should not” behave, robbing them of the ability to consciously decide who they want to be. With the “I want” and “I don’t want” prompts, clients can take back ownership of their identity, moving from external control to internal empowerment.
3. Encouraging Self-Awareness and Choice
By reflecting on what they want and don’t want to be, clients gain clarity about their personal boundaries, values, and vision for themselves. This helps them begin to distinguish between authentic choices and choices driven by fear, shame, or obligation.
4. Creating a Positive Framework
The critic often focuses on tearing down or limiting. Introducing “I want to be” adds a positive and generative element to the exercise. It helps clients envision their ideal self, build hope, and anchor themselves in possibility, rather than just addressing what they are trying to escape.
5. Emotional Resonance
When clients articulate “I don’t want to be,” it can surface deeper fears, anxieties, or internalized beliefs. This often provides powerful insight into what they’ve been avoiding or resisting. Simultaneously, “I want to be” taps into their longing and hope, sparking an emotional connection to their deeper self and aspirations.
6. Balancing Critique with Aspiration
Combining both positive and negative frameworks ensures a holistic exploration of identity. Clients often find relief in the balance: they acknowledge the things they wish to shed while also affirming the qualities they wish to embrace. This creates a path forward, rather than just dismantling the inner critic’s constraints.
7. Facilitating Actionable Insight
This exercise doesn’t just stop at identifying the inner critic. By exploring “I want to be” and “I don’t want to be,” clients start to identify the specific actions, relationships, and environments that align with their authentic self. It sets the stage for actionable change.
8. Shifting the Narrative
For many clients, hearing the differences between the critic’s voice (“should/should not”) and their true desires (“want/don’t want”) is eye-opening. It allows them to see that the critic doesn’t define them; instead, they can author their own narrative. This reframing is liberating and empowering.
Why It Resonates Deeply:
This expanded exercise transitions the client from a place of judgment and limitation to one of curiosity, possibility, and self-discovery. The “want” and “don’t want” prompts encourage them to imagine a life not constrained by the inner critic, fostering alignment with their core values and authentic self. For many clients, this dual exploration feels like peeling back layers to discover their true identity, which can be a profoundly moving and transformative experience.
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