Most of us talk all day long. We speak to each other; we text and email each other, and of course we talk to ourselves internally and incessantly – I know I do. However, this internal dialogue, this inner voice, is a discussion for another time. Communication is a key part of what it means to be human. It is very hard to be a successful person in the world if you cannot communicate your ideas and listen to and understand others. So why then, given the indisputable importance of communication, are very few of us ever taught how to do it effectively? In my 30 years of corporate work experience, most problems are the result of our failure to communicate, and for any of us who have participated in a 360-degree performance feedback process, we know this all too well. The good news is that with some awareness, communication skills can be improved upon, and results of effective communication can transform lives.
There is so much we can say about communication, especially related to content (WHAT we say), but I’m going to focus on process (HOW we say). Content, the words we choose to use in our conversations, often gets the spotlight whereas process, the way in which we conduct the words we use, goes unnoticed. Tips on content are practically endless, whereas with process, there are relatively few simple principles. When you know about these principals, you can be aware to track them. By adjusting the process, you can influence the quality of the content dramatically, making process The Invisible Power of Communication. The top 5 process powers are:
- Talking v. Listening
- The Power of Saying Nothing
- Reflective Listening
- Content vs. Relationship
- Overloading vs. Parsing
Talking v. Listening
One of the biggest pitfalls of communication time and time again is our inattentiveness or poor listening abilities. With that comes the assumption that we’ve understood somebody in the way they intended. We might think we know what they’re talking about, but do we really? Many times we have not understood someone (or we have not been understood) and we don’t find out until much later. By then some damage has been done and, in the aftermath, we attempt to course correct. This bears to mind the movie Cool Hand Luke, which I have never seen but I’ve heard often quoted, “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” As a recipient in communication, mindful listening is key, and without being present it’s hard to listen to what’s being said. The early building block skill is knowing the difference between talking and listening. It seems like common sense, right? Talking is imparting information and listening is taking in information. Listening is a skill that seems so easy, but is surprisingly difficult. Many people wander into one or the other habitually, without consideration and without mindfulness. People don’t consider whether it would be better to talk or listen at this juncture and make it a conscious choice to bring mindfulness. Bringing attentiveness, awareness, and presence is the art of listening. In this way, you are really hearing what’s being said. Making a small change in simple awareness is deciding when it is better to speak and when it is better to listen. This decision can have a significant impact on your conversation. This process change with a splash of mindfulness can be magical in improving communication and therefore the quality of our relationships.
Power of Saying Nothing
“Without saying a word you can light up the dark”; lyrics to an old but artful song I hold close to my heart, When You Say Nothing at All by Alison Krauss. The process of remaining silent and saying nothing at all can be the most skillful thing to do. It’s cliché, but sometimes silence is golden (and not just in theaters). So many times, people feel the need to fill up the awkward silence saying things only to realize retrospectively that was not the right thing to say. The process of restraint can be a powerful form of communication and it is a learned skill. For example, if somebody is very upset, being silent and not adding more information often works best. They may be too triggered and the amygdala or the stress and fear center of the brain is activated. The prefrontal cortex, the more developed aspect of the brain, which allows us to use logic and reason goes offline. In these situations, it’s hard for them to take in information. Holding space for them to express their feelings can be most comforting. In your restraint and acknowledgement of their feelings you are massaging their amygdala (so to speak) and calming their stress and fear center. During one of my most difficult and dark times, my husband listened to me. His silence spoke loudly because in his eyes he spoke compassion. There is so much power in saying nothing at all.
Reflective Listening
In my experience, reflective listening is such an incredible skill. It’s not the power of flight or web slinging but it is most certainly a human superpower: that of warming one’s heart. Reflective listening is simple and radical because the only goal you have when you’re using reflective listening is to try to understand what the other person is saying. You’re not psychoanalyzing them or interpreting them but simply trying to understand them in the way they want to be understood. In doing so, we are feeding back to them what your understanding is and doing so in your own words. When you translate what you’re understanding into your own language you have to really be taking in what they’re saying. For the speaker to hear their message in your words is often very soothing and clarifying. Within the process of reflective listening, the speaker gets to correct or add on whenever they want. They’re in the driver’s seat and you follow that speaker with your reflective listening and acknowledging corrections. At that moment when you’re listening it doesn’t matter whether you agree or disagree or have opinions or have good advice. None of those things matter because in reflective listening, you’re like a mirror. You’re reflecting back and, in your tenderness, warming their hearts.
Content v. Relationship
Content goal is what you want to convey, whereas relationship goal is where you want ‘us.’ I may be in a conversation where I don’t care about the content (or don’t understand), but the content is coming from my daughter who I do care about. My twelve-year-old math prodigy’s favorite dinner conversation is to tell me about numbers, equations, and math formulas. I’m at a loss from the onset of that conversation, but I feel her excitement and I do and say what I need to, so she knows I’m right there with her. I want her to be happy, so with this in mind I try to revert to what’s my relationship goal here. This helps you orient your communication behavior. You start to think, in this situation the importance of this person in my life. You think I want to have a good relationship with them, so I want to make sure that they understand that I’ve understood. Relationship becomes your priority, and it is your guiding north star. It guides not just how you will behave but what you will say. This can be a very useful processing tool in communication, not just in personal, but professional settings; the invisible power of obtaining the relationship you want. Maya Angelou said it best, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Overload v. Parsing
Overload is when you’re talking in pages versus parsing, which is talking in the equivalent of a paragraph; much shorter. When you talk in parse rather than overload, you’re making room for your listener to participate with you to come in ask questions and contribute. When you’re overloading, there’s not enough space between what you’re saying to allow the listener to come in. In other words, when you parse, you’re leaving pauses rather than just going on and on. Overloading and parsing are process skills that influence the content. If you want to be heard and be effective in communication, you have to be really strategic about how you impart information, in what order and what length so that you’re making sure that the other person is tracking with you. When you parse and you leave room for their response, it’s important to hear that response (listening skills) because it’s going to affect what you say next. However, when you are overloading it’s unlikely that you’ll pick up on the sentiments of the other person. You may miss queues on how they want to get into the conversation and ultimately get out of sync. Sometimes when the listener tries to get in, the person who’s overloading might say, “Don’t interrupt me, I’m not finished yet.” If this sounds familiar to you, you may have been overloading and by now the listener has tuned out.
The aim of this article is to promote harmony and reduce suffering that happens with ineffective communication. Knowing and using The Invisible Powers of Communication ultimately will help people to get along better probably also have more fun in conversations but also to be able to coordinate and work together in ways where they can build trust. Communication is a stress reduction tool, and when people are less stressed, they’re usually more able to be compassionate with other people. By helping people reduce their own stress, hopefully I’m spreading a little bit more compassion to the world.
To take your communication skills to the next level, contact schedule a free consultation with Compass Anchor Coaching today.